Remembering..

Anzac Day looked quite different this year. Not being able to gather with our community at the Cenotaph or to watch the parade march down our main street, or see my dad wearing his father's medals.  Instead, we walked to the end of our driveway at dawn with candles and stood in silence to pay our respects and to remember. It's always a very special and emotional day, but this year felt particularly so. It was heartwarming to see images of people all over the country coming 'together' in just the same way. We foraged and collected fallen gum leaves from the street behind us to make a wreath, and pulled out some old jars I had tucked away from my 40th and decorated them with a sprig of rosemary from the garden.  A day, like the rest of this strange time, that will forever be remembered in history.  

As an introvert, I may be a little bit partial to this forced isolation. Yes, there have been days early on when it felt out of control and uncertain. Weeks of feeling consumed by fear of the catastrophe going on outside, all around the world.  I was scared for my parents and in-laws, my family, and so sad for those who had already suffered devastating loss of loved ones to this virus.  It's still frightening and overwhelming, and incredibly surreal. Then gradually something happens, we adapt to the strangeness, and it becomes our new normal. Perhaps it's our survival mechanism kicking in.

I've slowly remembered, home is actually my favourite place on earth. Being home, not having to go anywhere, or (no offence) see anyone. Not having to meet society expectations of how my life should look, all busy and productive and rushed. That's not me, it never was. As a full time stay at home mum for the past 18 years (!!) it's a relief to not have to justify being at home.

When I came back to this blog space a couple of weeks ago, I noticed my little blurb up there at the top of the side bar that says "documenting moments in time that might otherwise have passed me by..mostly mothering and living this life as simply as I know how." I wonder when it was that I lost sight of that? It might've been when we bought a business at the same time our 4th child was born, at a guess. So I'm feeling a whole lot of gratitude right now, for a chance to reset, and to remember what's important to me. 

A Blog Revival..

Three years! It's been three years since I posted here last. All it took was a longtime blogging mate Kooandyoo to put a shout out on Instagram for a reunion tour, and here I am!  Gosh I've missed those friendly chats, the regular catch ups, getting inspired by people's craft and feeling connected.  Nothing like a worldwide pandemic to bring us back together, hey.

Here's a quick catch up on life over the last three years..

Where do I start, there's so much to share and nothing all at the same time.  Life just plods on.  Frustratingly, my crafting mojo has not returned to full function, and my 'works in progress' basket is overflowing with projects that I've started enthusiastically and abandoned all too quickly. It seems the only thing that sparks my making these days is new baby announcements or a random beanie request. Things might change now that I'm back in blogland with my creative mates. Fingers crossed!

Mum life ramped up to, well, off the charts. It became my life's work to be the best I could be for everyone all of the time. Of course it has always been my priority as a mum, but somewhere along the way it became unhealthily and unrealistically so. It wasn't until a breakdown of sorts, to be honest, that I realised just what I'd been doing. Being Supermum, the way I was doing it, was unsustainable. So I'm also my own work in progress these days.

The big boy finished year 12 last year, received the dux award, plays in a band with his 3 best mates, has deferred from uni to work fulltime, to live life on his own terms and to play music. Fifteen to eighteen were not easy years to parent, but we made it through.

The middle guy is almost 16, he's taller than the big boy, he's super social, forever with his friends either online or out and about (at the moment its strictly virtual of course).  With the gentle nudge of a very special teacher, he discovered he loves drama and is in fact quite good at it.  That should probably come as no surprise when we look back at previous posts dedicated to his boundless imagination, glorious quirks and daily dress ups. He takes his school work pretty seriously these days, which is a relief and something we thought might never happen. His entire life was PLAY, do you remember that?

The little guy is 13 and not so little. He's almost my height now.  He discovered music back in grade 3 and is a great drummer, though prefers to be the guitarist whenever his mates come over to jam.  Music has helped him in so many ways, what a saviour! He also loves to skate and draw, and he still loves his craft.

Olive is 7. Seven! She's funny, still adoring of us all, and loves rainbows, fairies, and unicorns.  She dishes out hugs and love notes regularly. Life is pretty sweet with her around.

Nick is doing what he does best, taking care of us all and cooking a Sunday roast as I write. His work hasn't been shut down at this stage, so he's working busily and mighty carefully as long as he still can. Perhaps Stage 4, should we come to it, will change things. It's just a matter of living day by day at the moment, never quite knowing what's ahead.

How about you? What have I missed? How are you all managing life in isolation? Want to join the reunion tour with us? Head over to Kirsty's if you do!

chance encounters..

As the end of another year draws near, I can't help but look back and reflect on the last 12 months and where we are headed in the year to come.

It's been year of battles, and not many won is how it feels.  A big year of learning, of frustrations and a lot of 'one step forward two steps back'.  It also feels like the challenges will serve their purpose, like changes are around the corner, but just what changes I'm not too sure.

I look back and it seems I've been completely caught up in us, our work, the day to day, and now all of a sudden its christmas time, the end of the school year and summer holidays. 

In a blink! Another year down in the whirlwind of life.  

Last night I felt so overcome by negativity and angst. Unsettled by things that are out of my direct control, like I'd been dumped by an ocean wave and wrung out. Early to bed followed by the first uninterrupted night of sleep in forever, and things felt a bit better. Isn't it amazing how much better we cope with a decent night of sleep!

This morning I sent my excited boys off to school for the last time this year.  I cleaned and tidied, then put Olive and my nephew into the twin stroller for a walk.  As soon as we left I could feel positive energy beginning to flow.  Taking my time time to walk and look around, watching the sea mist blow through the air.  Stopping to talk to people, popping my head into the dry cleaners to share a friendly tip we'd been talking about the last time I was there. We stopped to say hello to Santa selling the Big Issue, who then reached into his sack to pull out a present each for my two happy toddlers. 

We ran some errands, stopped off to buy our Big Issue Santa a morning tea treat and headed home. I walked, apologising to people we passed for our oversized stroller taking up the footpath, some would smile and say hello, others didn't.  A little further on we came to a lady who stopped, made a big arm gesture to allow us to go first and said, smiling "make way for these children, our grand future".  I smiled and thanked her, we stopped and chatted about this time of year, about children, about all the unrest in the world and even about God (!?).  She did most of the talking, but it was lovely to listen to her and to hear her thoughts, albeit a little 'out there'.  

It was an encounter I felt I needed to have today.  Sometimes people are sent to cross our paths for a reason.  We introduced one another as we were saying goodbye, and as I turned to leave she said "I wish for you all that is in my heart..there is a lot in there, and it is all good."

A sudden chance encounter, and I feel just a little bit lighter, a little bit less wrung out.

one word..2015

nurture ~ to foster care, nourish, encourage, cultivate..

And so, we farewell the year that was and welcome in the new.

My 2014 was, well, momentous actually.  There were so many significant moments of varying emotion.  The weight of grief, the terror of bushfires, elation, gratitude and joy for the simplicity of life and the gifts that surround us.

It's a year that I am pleased to see come to a close, while at the same time, feeling overwhelmingly grateful for experiences that have challenged me, enlightened me and changed me.

I'm still learning to embrace the changes, they go way down deep, and so the word I choose this year needs to open me up and be a constant reminder.

My word this year will be nurture. It's a lot broader than to just nurture myself, I know I need to do that.  Finding balance, taking care of myself in order to take care of my family, it goes without saying, and I need to give this much greater priority.  But to nurture also needs to be about giving back, and it needs to be far less about me.  I want to nurture the foundations that surround me, within my family, my community, and the village that I want to be a part of.

What's your 'one word' for the year ahead?  You can share it with Bron..

Happy New Year to you, friends.  May 2015 bring all that you hope for x

2014..on reflection

All of a sudden we are here in December!  Beach bags at the ready, alfresco dinners and sand between our toes..oh, yes please!

2014 is coming to a flying end, and I woke yesterday, the first day of summer, reflecting on the year that has been. 

My body tired, my mind weary and my heart a little heavy.  Its been a year of great loss, with the passing of two beautiful members of our extended family.  The sadness becomes a part of your everyday, but you don't always acknowledge that its there.  You worry about other family members and how they're feeling, if they're coping, the enormous weight of grief they must be carrying in their hearts.  Though there is comfort in the fact that our family is so big and so very wonderful. We are lucky.

Then in October, we welcomed my darling niece into the world.  My baby brother's first baby, what an absolute joy! Seeing my brothers become fathers, and watching our family grow is really something very beautiful.

Its been a year so busy and so distracted, that I feel changed.  Hopefully for the better, I'm not sure yet, my head is still spinning.  My mantra for this year has been 'let go', and boy, have I had to let go! Let go of everything being so perfect, let go of commitments that were not a priority, to not be as available to school as I would have liked, to not care so much about what everyone else might expect of me, or what they might think of my absence everywhere.

To let go this year has been my survival mechanism.  Sometimes for the better and if I'm honest, also to the detriment of this family and these little people that are my whole world.

I came across our very favourite christmas story book recently, it's tradition to read a story from it every night in the month of december, and a sudden realisation hit me like a tone of bricks, 'we haven't been reading bedtime stories! When did we stop reading bedtime stories??' I don't even remember!  I picked up that christmas book and we started that very night.

Ever so gradually, our priorities had shifted.  Work went to the top, managing the house close second, and everyone else fitting in the gaps.  I'm sad to say, that somewhere along the way I let go of the values I held most dear, being available to my family.  I could see it happening, too.  But trying to stay on top of everything else was completely consuming.  I was forgetting things, important things, life was spinning out of control.  Then I got really sick with a shocking flu.  My boys were so wonderful, offering to help with all kinds of things, giving me extra hugs, doing their best to behave and not fight (at least so they didn't think I could hear them).  Through endless fevers and aches I worked, got them to school and back, made dinner (of sorts) each night and cried, I cried a lot, at the craziness of it all.

After a week the fevers broke, and everything looked different.  The illness was gone and with it, the distorted way of living life I'd become accustomed to over the last few months. I can't ever get that time back, but I can make sure I do not let it happen again.  Remembering to be in the smallest of moments.  Sitting in silence.  Listening to my kids, and talking with them, not at them.

Of course, this time of year has a way of becoming manic, with all the tying up of loose ends, preparing for christmas, school books and uniforms for next year, and so many dates to remember. It's busy, but I will make lists, I'll plan ahead and I will not loose my way like that again.

A new clearer, brighter year is just around the corner, but for now I'm just looking forward to our christmas break and living each beautiful day with the blessings that surround me.

making as medicine..

I tell you, you people are very lovely.  I have been inundated with pattern requests these last few months, such a compliment!  I must apologise for tardy responses and being oh so slow at getting those patterns up here for you, though. 

Firstly, there's the simple lack of time to sit and think and write, and secondly, as you know, patterns are really so far out of my comfort zone, both the following and the writing!  

But I will do my very best, bare with me,  I'm so looking forward to sharing them with you all. 

To be perfectly honest, I struggle to know where to begin, I think perhaps I over-complicate it in my mind.  My pieces are very simple, using straightforward, repetitive stitches.  I enjoy the simple rhythm, and therapeutic nature of the making.

I had a very special moment with a beautiful friend recently.  She told me that making for me is medicinal.  It's my medicine.  I'd never looked at it this way, but she's right.  Time to stop and crochet those repetitive stitches are as valuable to me as a yoga class or taking time out to myself.

What she said next made me cry happy tears.  She said that when I make, I'm sharing my medicine. Sharing the calm, nurturing qualities that those pieces hold.  Woah!  I love this, and it makes perfect sense to me.  You know that feeling you get when someone asks you to make something for them, or when you have the perfect gift in mind and you can't wait to get started?  It's all about how it makes you feel.  Its a part of you, and the love you put into creating for someone else.

So, anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all and to assure you that my pattern posts are on their way, and I hope that through these you are able to share the love of making as medicine, too.

getting it sorted..

So turning forty was something I was pretty excited about.  It felt right, I didn't feel at all like I was getting old, I was not worrying about what I've done with my life and all the things I must do.  I was content and feeling great and like I was right where I was meant to be.

Two years on, a fourth baby and a business later, and I tell you, I am feeling depleted.   I do feel old. Suddenly I'm noticing the wrinkles, the greys are persistent and ever increasing and I'm constantly so, so very tired.  I have achey joints in my fingers and toes, hot flushes, irregular periods, moodiness like a crazy person, soaring emotions. I can't keep up, I'm fairly certain my poor family can't either.

I'm still breastfeeding Olive, and I don't want to stop until she shows less interest, which doesn't look likely any time soon.  Besides, I do love it.  It's forced time to sit and be still and enjoy her being a baby a little while longer, but I think its taking its toll on my body, adding to the exhaustion and draining me further.

While life got crazy busy, we've been managing and getting through it by cutting a few corners here and there, getting a bit lazy, not being too caught up on things that aren't must do's, I like to call that 'survival'.  But I can see now that very gradually, eliminating to make things easier in the short term, is now taking its toll on the long term.

Late autumn has been beautifully warm with an abundance of sunshiny days, just what I've needed before the brutality of cold months ahead.  So, as we head into winter there are a few things I need to do in order to replenish myself and try to get back on top of things.  Otherwise, I'm quite sure, I will not make it through the next three months easily.

It's time to get it sorted!  I need to get back to feeling great and back to feeling like I am right where I'm meant to be.

I need to clear our wardrobes of anything we no longer wear or have use for.

I need to rake up the fallen leaves, brush away cobwebs and cut back the hedges in the garden.

I need to get our deck 'winter ready' with a tidy up, a fire drum, fairy lights (of course) and a stack of cushions to invite us outdoors regularly, regardless of the cold.

I need to make an appointment for a quick once-over doctor check up.

I need to commit to a weekly yoga session.

I need to have my hair cut, and maybe even lash out on a professional colour instead of trying to fight this grey battle on my own, and while I'm at it have my legs waxed.

I need to make a menu plan, go back to grocery shopping only once a week rather than random visits every few days.

I need to make time for coffee dates.

So, as we say goodbye to May and Autumn (and my #everydayinmay crochet project which is coming up nicely, more on that soon) I will welcome June with all of these new challenges and I will get it sorted.

   

one indulgent hour..

I don't crave time to myself, I'll usually get to where I'm going and feel a bit lost without my gang, but today when the opportunity presented itself I took advantage.  I took myself and my crochet out for a coffee where I could sit quietly and enjoy the view.  I have to admit, it was nice being able to drink the coffee and enjoy the 'way too big for one' tart uninterrupted.

I was going to dash off to the supermarket straight after, but instead went for a wander along the back beach. Time to breathe in the air, watch the waves and not really think about anything in particular.  

I was only gone for an hour, but it was all I needed.  I was happy to get home to my baby eating a vegemite sandwich and nattering away, my boys still in their pyjamas and still playing the lego video game they were playing when I left.  Happy to get back to a load of laundry and to make a lasagne for dinner.

Although I don't crave that time, I know its good for me and I know I need to make a regular habit of it. Its good for all of us.

2014 one word..and christmas snippets

my word for 2013 was 'strength'.  It's only a word, but nominating it as my one word made it something more tangible and solid in my heart and my head.  I needed a lot of it emotionally and physically, when our role as parents was challenged and our strength tested.  This word was one I needed to hold tight and would draw on during some really difficult times, and its one I will keep in the fore of my mind like a prayer always.

my word this year is actually two.. 'let go'.

I get so caught up in making sure everything is just so, routine is rarely broken, children are mostly in bed on time and things are always organised.  This is just me.  It's how I keep on top of everything and try to feel in control.  I simplify and do my best not to overcommit.  This is all good, but I feel that it might be time to relax things a bit.  I need to forget about routine sometimes and let my boys enjoy longer days, go for evening walks, hit the beach after school.. to just let go.

I want to be more spontaneous occasionally, to make more time to enjoy these beautiful babies, to live this life and to make memories from the moments.

how about you..what's your one word this new year?

link up with Bron over here...

learning self belief..

The last few days I've been agitated and impatient.  Its our busiest time of year from now until Christmas, so I'm madly processing shoot after shoot, between the organising of children, managing their commitments and running about here and there doing what mumma's do.

But it's not all the busyness thats making me feel like this, it's not even the sleep deprivation from our teething babe.  I've been bothered and not really knowing why...and then I realised.  It's the weekend of the very first Craft Sessions and I can't be there.  I'm grumpy, feeling sorry for myself to be missing out and I'm all woe is me.

When I received an email from Felicia inviting me to take part my heart skipped a beat.  First with excitement, then disbelief and then disappointment, knowing I'd have to decline.  To be involved in such an amazing event, surrounded by so many incredibly inspiring and talented people would have been awesome!  My heart races just thinking about it.  I'm so excited to see the pictures as they appear on Instagram and can't wait to hear all the details of each session.

I've been thinking about that email, and if I'm honest, for a brief moment upon receiving it, I thought 'thank goodness I can't go..business, baby, life, it's all too hard..and everyone would realise that I'm really not very good at my craft, that I'm a bit of a hack and make things up as I go...'

Yes, I thought this.  My husband was super supportive of me going and not at all questioning why I shouldn't.  It struck me how critical I was of myself.  Still! At 41 years old!

What I wonder, is did I hide behind excuses?  Would the family and the business have managed a couple of days without me?  Well, the reality is, it IS a crazy busy time and would not have been practical for me to go at all just now.  If it weren't for that though, based on my clear and obvious insecurities, would I have used other excuses?

I try to teach my boys self confidence, assurance, assertiveness, and hope they will have great faith in their abilities and their dreams.  I always tell them to have a go, you won't always get it right, you won't always be great, but you'll never know if you don't give it a go.

There was a significant moment in my childhood that had an enormous impact on me.  One that I remember always, and tell my children about when they feel insecure or doubt their ability.  It was a time when I used excuses because of fear and said 'no' to something wonderful.  Fear of what, I'm not sure.  If I could go back to that moment I would say 'yes', and embrace it and be proud and probably even great!

This weekend we watched our big boy take to the stage and play drums to a room full of people and he WAS great! It was a big deal for him to be involved in such an event, and so brave to play totally solo, no backing music, just him.

I feel inspired by him.  I feel like celebrating the creative side I never really believed in, and I feel good about how I do what I do, in both my craft and my work.

And so it seems, it may be them teaching me..

Do you hide behind excuses?

Or are you brave and self assured and walk the talk?

knots..

sometimes my tummy and my chest are so caught up in knots with all that is going on. This family we are raising sometimes feels like a tornado spinning around me. The chaos whirling further and further beyond my grasp.  I have to stop and remind myself to breathe, to be positive and to keep things in perspective.  

There is the parenting of a pre teen.  This has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world, and then we still have the actual teen years ahead of us.  They say when your babies are just babies, that it only gets harder, and its true, it does.  Every single day is a challenge.  It can be mental and emotional torture at times.  I'm forever analysing my parenting ability, am I too hard, too soft, are my values all wrong, should I just let up a little, but then if I do, what kind of people will we be raising?  Endless days of bickering, the nastiness, the condescending tone, the intolerance of just about anyone or anything. As parents, we're forever the bad guy, both of us. The day ends and I wonder if we'll all just wake up and it'll be like a fog has lifted, and suddenly he'll be that beautiful, thoughtful, considerate boy he once was.  Or have we completely lost control and is it just going to get worse..

There is the six year old of whose tantrums and temper I have made mention of in many a blog post over the last 4 years.  Shouldn't they be over by now?  We've never given into him when he's tantrumed, not ever.  There has always been consequences for him, but he still does it.  His temper flys out of control just so suddenly and there is often no cooling it down until it's run it's course.  Then he emerges, sorry, cuddly and back to his sweet adoring loving self.  It's all over much more quickly now, but you still never know when it's going to happen and there's a constant tightness in my chest, that walking on egg shells feeling because its so unpredictable.

There is the happy go lucky grade 3 boy whose carefree world is slowly becoming bogged down with commitments and expectations.  Grade 3 is such a big change.  Middle school equals higher standards, harder work, more homework, and little time for that happy go lucky attitude.  He doesn't like it much.  His weekends can't come around soon enough.

There is the new baby.  Thats the easy bit.  She's amazing, content, placid and she still sleeps a lot!  She just fits in.  I tend to her amidst all the crazy and she's happy. 

There is running a business, which my husband pretty much does single handed at this point.  I'm just his faithful assistant.  I step in and do my part as required, and then it's back to being mother, housekeeper, homemaker. There just isn't the brain power to be anymore than that right now.

We have an exciting, and very happy celebration coming up and we can't wait.  A mini holiday to somewhere warm and gorgeous to hang out with my brothers and their girls, and we're counting the sleeps.  I'm hoping that having my boys spend some time with their uncles will help, I'm hoping my man and I might sneak out on a date and I'm hoping it's just the trick to loosen all these knots, if only for a little while.. 

six weeks...

six weeks goes fast, I don't want that newborn baby time to end, and then I get all swept up in wondering what she'll be like as she grows, what colour will her eyes be, will her hair stay dark, what will her little voice sound like when she says "muma", her chunky thighs sporting frilly swimmers on the beach next summer, being able to just swing her onto my hip for school drop offs and pick up...

I need to remind myself not to wish the time away and to just be in the moment, for already she is growing up.

Life is busy, I forget so many things, and some things just have to be eliminated from the endless 'to do's' in my everyday.  Some days I can't keep up, and some days I have time to spare.  Some days I  want to go out and catch up with people, other days it's just all too much.  Working from home is wonderful but hard.  Often there is an endless parade of visitors, and I welcome an opportunity to stop for a cuppa, but it's difficult to get things done before school pick up, and sometimes I just don't want to answer the door.

It's all very up and down at the moment, as hormones take on a life of their own.  At six weeks I want everything else to just stop so that I don't miss this time..

At six weeks she's still sleeping well most of the time, and mostly she is the easiest baby ever.  Then she'll have a restless day or night and there is no choice but to stop, put everything else aside and just tend to her.

At six weeks, she is waking longer during the day and is so alert.  She takes in her surroundings, fixes her gaze upon her brothers when they 'coo' at her, and already likes to be up with us when dinner time comes around, part of the gang.

At six weeks she loves to be held, though she sleeps in her basket and settles herself too.  She is suddenly growing enough to fit into all those gorgeous 000 suits she's been gifted.  

At six weeks, she's still a poo shooter! We have to be very quick with the nappy change, she's a lethal weapon..much to the delight of three big brothers.

At six weeks I breathe in her new baby smell and she melts my heart.  She is pure delight.

   

reality check..

My blog is a favourite place for me.  A place I like to document moments, to share my thoughts, creative bits and bobs and things I make.  There are so many blog meme's and linky's I'd love to be a part of, they are loads of fun and a nice way to be introduced to other lovely folk and their spaces, but the reality is I just don't have the time right now.  

I was especially looking forward to being a part of the gorgeous 52 project this year, I'm forever taking pictures anyway. Then suddenly yesterday as I was going through the weeks pictures I felt that they were somehow empty.  I couldn't find an image that represented a moment perfectly, and it occurred to me that after all this time, my blog is a far more personal space than I had imagined.  When I blog I want it to represent something, to have meaning and significance even if it's only for my own benefit, something for me and my gang to look back on and remember.

So for now, at least, I'm just going to blog when it counts, to me.  That little teeny weeny hand up there and those three protective big brother hands require all the time, attention and energy I can give, and that in itself is no easy feat.

So I may not be posting quite so often, but I will most definitely be popping by other lovely spaces to see what you're all up to during those quiet moments as I'm feeding little Olive, it's way too hard to stay away..x

one word..

My one word for 2012 was 'enjoy'.  Taking time to enjoy moments, the simple things in this life, and enjoy we did.

There was a lot of down time for me last year, adjusting to life without my babies at home, being that mum who could help in the classroom, bake and be homemaker.  I did enjoy the simple things and that word was always in the forefront of my mind.

The year 2012 was also a year for enormous change, challenge and despairing moments for the two of us as parents.  Life got very hard and unexpectedly complex, and that word 'enjoy' became an even more important focus.

This year, 2013, holds in store for us all kinds of wonderful.  With the impending arrival of a new baby in February, a new business to get off the ground, the big boys' last year of primary school, the middle hits grade 3 and the little guy is a big grade oner already!

Needless to say 2013 is not going to be an easy one, certainly a busy one, and we are going to embrace it for all that it may present.  

This new years word is going to be 'strength'.  I'm going to need a lot of it physically, mentally and emotionally.  This year I am going to be strong.

Happy New Year to you friends! May yours too be filled with all kinds of wonderful..x

springtime frivolities..

we enjoyed a ladies day out at a local winery, all dressed up with our pretty frocks and facinators, champers, sparkling mineral water for me of course, and lots and lots of laughs...

this sweet old bike was roped into some shenanigans as the day went on, pictures best left unpublished, though this one of my gorgeous girlfriend I can't help but share..

it was so nice to be all dressed up and lady like..

but I have to say, with the extra weight of the little bundle, my feet certainly appreciated the crisp coolness of the ocean today.  Springtime weather at it's absolute finest.. 

52 weeks of grateful...

me, my boys and my bump..

 a day out with all my guys enjoying glorious sun...

in the past it's been rare for me to be infront of the camera, I'm always the one behind it, but this time was surprisingly a nice change...

the Mr has gone slightly picture crazy, it's been a while since he's been behind the lense

and he's having a ball!  

He's remembering how much fun it is, this time without worrying about running out of film, no dark room and tedious developing (when I said a while, I mean a WHILE!)..

 just random shots..

 as many as his heart desires..

turning an ordinary day into something special.

this and that..and thank you

I want to thank you all so very much for your comments and emails on my last post.  Thank you to those of you who shared personal experiences, they were of great comfort and warmed my heart immensely.  A visit from my Mum and Dad did wonders too.  I think I needed to have my freakout to get to where I am today.  I feel happy, blessed and positive.  I've decided not to let statistics dictate this pregnancy and this precious new life, but mother nature and the the love we all feel.

My beautiful parents have just left us and are officially off on their travels around Australia! I'm so excited for them.  This trip has been a long time coming, in fact, I didn't think it ever would!  My mum and dad have worked so hard their whole lives, and like most parents I suppose, life was never about them, it was always about everyone else!  I didn't think they'd ever retire and just enjoy what they've worked so hard to achieve.  This is their time, finally (I hope) it can now be all about them.  Although, if there was even an inch of room in their car or trailer we would have done our best to stow ourselves away and join them, if not just til we found warmer weather!

For someone who typically loves winter, I have to say this year it has well and truly beaten me!  I'm longing for the warmth of sunshine on bare skin, shedding layers of clothing and getting that spring back in my step.  I never thought I'd see the day when I wished for winter to just be over!  Still, Spring is just around the corner, and although there is an icy cold wind blowing out there today, the sun shines, blossoms bloom and I am going to make the most of it while it lasts...

odds..

There's a story I feel the need to tell.  I just have to get it out of my head.  Some might relate, some I might offend, and if I do I apologise. But this is an experience I want to share.  I just do.

For months I've been planning 'the announcement' post.  One filled with cheer and happiness and blissful joy. This is all of those things, with a touch of reality thrown in.

We are having a baby.  Yes, it is joyful beyond words! We are super excited about it and feeling completely in awe of such a blessing.

This is the story so far.  Please bare in mind that as far as we know all is perfectly fine, but I write this based on my state of mind throughout...

The day I found out, admittedly I was in shock.  Worried about the impact this new little being was going to have on our family, our life.  But it's a baby! How could I be anything but thrilled!

My husband hugged me so tight.  He was happy.  Shocked, a little anxious but happy, and so excited he was already picturing those squidgy cheeks and that new born baby smell, oh that smell..

Our boys embraced the news, almost expecting it.  Asking questions, preparing their little minds, setting aside toys to keep special and making sleeping arrangements.

Then came the Doctors visit, to make everything official.  In my mind, to make necessary appointments and discuss the pregnancy generally. I was still a little shocked, but joyful and excited.  What I didn't expect, and perhaps I should have, perhaps I was being naive, but what came next, to me, was a barrage of statistics and doom based on my age alone!  Things did not look good.

I was shown graphs and figures and given pamphlets to read because "we just have to make you aware of the risks.."  I was referred to speak with a midwife in pregnancy care who might be able to discuss this with me further and cover general concerns or questions I might have.  So I went along, hoping to be put at some kind of ease, for things to be made clearer, put into perspective.  But no, it seems the facts were clear, more doom and gloom and statistics.

When I got to my car I cried so hard.  I cried for this baby, who in my mind, we had little hope of having without abnormalities.  I cried for my breaking heart and for how sad this was going to be for our family.  I called my husband who tried to make sense of what these statistics were, where do they come from and upon what facts are they based?  The logical questions you ask, which I didn't.  It was really all very straight forward.  These are just the facts.

After that, it didn't really matter what he said to console me, to help me see reason and focus on the possibility that there may in fact be nothing wrong, that we may have a perfectly healthy baby.  There was nothing I could do but hope and pray.  I booked in for the 1st trimester screening.  I just have to be strong and positive until I knew more.  But emotionally, I'd already detached.  I couldn't think about the future, imagine our life with this new baby, because what if it didn't happen.  I couldn't bare to think of the pain.  I would go through the motions of day to day.  My little people talking about the baby, thinking of names.  My husband touching my tummy so lovingly.

Being my 4th pregnancy, my body was already changing.  My belly was growing and at 10 weeks I looked close to 5 months.  So hiding it and keeping it to ourselves until we were certain was difficult.  We had to tell people, physically it was so obvious.  For those of my dear friends I haven't told, I'm sorry, I just haven't been able to make those calls.  I have been a bit numb to peoples congratulations, putting on  the happy   face I should have, the one I longed was real.  I'd agree it was wonderful and, yes, we are very excited.  But all the while my head was thinking about how to tell everyone when it all goes wrong.

I suppose what I'm trying to get across here is that the delivery of and emphasis placed on those statistics needs to be very clearly thought out.  You can't just share these facts and not expect some emotional turmoil.  Maybe I re-acted differently to most.  I don't usually see the dark side of anything.  This has been torturous.  Irrational maybe, that this has been my reaction to such information.  Maybe its because I'm older (40 by the way) and wiser and realise just how miraculous it is that I've been given 3 perfectly healthy babies already.  Who was I to expect this could happen a 4th time.  Who did I think I was to be so deserving.

After a couple of weeks waiting, and regular phone calls chasing the results to the 1st trimester screen, they still weren't in.  I had my first appointment at the pregnancy care unit (I've had all my babies in the public system, I've like it, it's always worked for me considering I'd never had any complications).  The midwife I was seeing was lovely.  She asked about the results and went to track them down when I told her I was still waiting.  She left me in the hands of her trainee to go through general paperwork.  My husband wasn't with me at this appointment.  I didn't even think of planning for him come.  From memory it was just a 'welcome', check blood pressure, urine and give you some information on what to expect when you're expecting kind of visit.

When the midwife came in with the doctor and the doctor's trainee (it's a training hospital, I'd forgotten that) there were 4 people in the room, and me alone without my husband.  After doing loads of my own research during the last couple of months I was bracing myself.  I understood that being 40 I may be at some risk, so I was prepared to hear this..I thought.  As soon as the doctor sat down, she went through the basic facts I already knew inside out based on statistics and told me that the chances of me having a baby with abnormality is 1:147....

I don't really know what she said in detail after that except that low risk was anything above 1:250 so I was thinking I was quite high.  When I burst into tears and uncontrollable sobs, she did say that I should keep in mind that I could be one of the 146 people who have a healthy baby.

As the results had taken so long, I had missed the opportunity to have a CVS to investigate in more detail early on, and if I wanted to go ahead with further testing I would need to wait until 16weeks to have the Amniocentesis. I then have to wait a further 2 weeks for those results, making the baby around 18 weeks and if anything serious is found and our decision was to terminate, if in fact we had that choice, I would need to go through a normal birth at this stage.

The doctor tried to be sympathetic and handed me back to the midwife.  She was kind, and doing her best to offer comfort.  She made appointments for my next visits and talked a little about their birthing suite, and how lovely it'll be to have my three little helpers and on and on. But all I could think was what does any of this matter? Why are we making these appointments and talking about the birth when it might not happen that way at all?!

I could hardly breathe.  I couldn't wait to get out of there.  I felt so hot and sweaty and I just wanted to cry out loud!  When finally I got back to my car, the crying was hard and loud and the ache in my heart was almost too much.  And all I could think was that I would never, ever have considered or allowed this baby to be conceived knowing that this could happen.  My husband had been trying to contact me all this time but I hadn't heard the phone.  I had to pull myself together.  I had to call him and tell him.  I had to be brave and change my mindset. Either way, healthy or not healthy, I have to enjoy this pregnancy.  It is the last.  I want to love this baby and give it every hope.  I need to be happy and positive and not stressed.

When I got home my own doctor called with the test results.  I said thank you but I already received them in my pregnancy care appointment that morning.  Fortunately, she wanted to go through them with me anyway and went on about this and that and 'so it all looks pretty good'.  I was so confused. She said my risk sat at 1:256.  This was above the cut off point, although she said the cut off was 1:300.  Still, better than before.  It turns out that the figure I was given earlier was only half of the test, it hadn't factored in the combined blood tests.

While I feel enormous relief and legitimate hope, I have serious concerns about how women are given this list of 'facts and stats'.  I know they have to make you aware, but shouldn't this be approached with a certain amount of care and council.  And perhaps before blurting out all these figures, they should also have some background information on the mother to be too.  Her health status, history, something??

I do not take for granted that this baby will be perfect, we still don't know for sure, who ever does!  But what I do know, and have to take some comfort from, is that I come from pretty good stock.  I'm not kidding myself, I know this doesn't count for everything and things can still go wrong, unexplained, whatever will be will be.  But, yes, I come from a good line of breeders (my family is huge!), we were born to do this.  Mothering and having babies is in our DNA, we're good at it.  We love pregnancy, we don't get sick during pregnancy, how lucky! Several women in my family have had perfectly healthy babies after 40, my beautiful mum included.

I'm fit, I'm healthy, I rarely get sick, I've never abused my body, I've never suffered illness and I've only ever been in hospital to give birth.  What about those odds?  Surely it's got to count for something..

I have to believe that it does.

eliminate..

When life gets busy and a little (a lot) overwhelming, I find myself eliminating the things that would normally occupy my daily thoughts and 'to do' lists.  I tend not to run around fraught, trying to cram in the zillion too many things to do, even though those things exist, they unconsciously get pushed to the back in some kind of manageable order of priority.  Some I suppose never get air time and just fall by the wayside, not forgotten but not done.

The part of me that deals with the 'busy' kind of shuts down, or maybe takes control is a better way of looking at it.  I think it's a strategy for coping with the big stuff.  My brain switches into survival mode and this way I can manage the most important things first.

So much of the big stuff is consuming me right now, yet ridiculously I find myself extremely calm and sometimes even with hours to spare, but I don't start something new to fill in the time.  I've eliminated the not necessary so that all I'm focusing on is keeping this little family and home running.  This is the most important stuff after all!

Helping little people to navigate their way through playground politics.  Being aware of the individual needs of three very different little boys, they all have their own big stuff going on too.  Making time to hear them, nurture their bruised spirits and share their triumphs is not always an easy feat with so many other life distractions.

Then there's my man.  Big is almost an understatement for whats going on in his world at the moment.  As much as I try to be available to him, to listen, support, love, I'm sure I'm not doing enough.  He's strong and capable and I take for granted that his own coping mechanisms are all in check.

What keeps us both positive, for the most part, is knowing what is just ahead.  We are coming to the end of a chapter and preparing to begin a new and very exciting one.  In just a couple of months more, we'll be working together (eek!) running our own business and following dreams.  Things will be very different.  I'm sure it's going to take some time for us to find our feet, but when we do, life is going to be pretty darn great!

My hubby will be saying goodbye to corporate, a life of travel, of playing the game, of forever feeling compromised.  I'll be filling those spare hours working pretty much full time from home where I will still be available if the boys are sick, or to help out at school on all those special days.

So until then, I make time to breathe, I eliminate the not necessary and brace myself for the future...

the week that was..

Winter is well and truly here.  I love this season, I can't help it!

I know it's freezing cold and when it rains endlessly, which it has, and the yard is a swamp and your finger tips seem to be forever icy, it can be a bit depressing and restricting at times..  

I do my best, however, to embrace this season for all it's misty fog, early morning frost underfoot, and the opportunity to rug up in winter warmers.  That's my favourite bit, dressing up for winter. I put more effort into my 'outfits' this time of year, even if I'm just hanging about at home.  It makes me feel good.  I love everything about winter fashion! 

 I love stopping at local cafes in the poring rain, sitting on cosy chairs and drinking hot coffee..

notes from my big boy (nothing to do with winter, just a sweet sentiment that warmed my heart).. 

watching wild waves crash in and feeling the bitter cold mist across my face.. 

 these two little fella's, best mates, winter doesn't hold them back from everyday adventure..

celebrations of the best kind, a dear friends' 40th birthday...

there she is, lighting the zillions of candles before guests arrive. Her party theme was 'where glamour meets the bush' held in this amazing venue all rustic and glamorous, surrounded by candles, chandeliers tin and timber. Magnificent!  

where my gorgeous man cooked up a stunning feast, with me his trusty assisitant..

It was the perfect end to a crazy hectic week..