Tuesday, September 25, 2012

courage..



How do you put an old head on young shoulders, I know I can't, but I wish I could.

One of our boys came home from school on Friday, holding it together just long enough to get through the door before he burst into tears.  It's been going on for some time, one particular child who knows just what to say, to have those words hit right where it hurts most.

Actually, his problem isn't directly with our boy, well it never used to be as they'd always been friends. He constantly picks on another whom our boy is good friends with.  He'll regularly target this boy and try to get others to do the same.  It's always been verbal and mental bullying before.  I've been concerned for this boy and wondered if his parents are aware of what their son is dealing with each day.

Gradually the bully has turned against our boy because he refuses to stop being this other child's friend. He's tried to talk to him, to work out their differences, but it goes nowhere. I've always been grateful that our son comes home and tells us about it though we are trusted to never, ever say anything to anyone about it ever!

He wants to deal with it himself, and so we listen, we give advice, and we help him to deal with the constant antagonising.  There have been several times when I've decided that enough was enough, and we as parents need to intervene, but he refuses, and I don't want to loose his trust.  I don't want him to stop talking to us about things, at least we know what's going on, right?

On Friday though, this bully called upon another child whom our son refuses to name, and together they had our son on the ground and kicked him repeatedly, somehow not hard enough to bruise him physically, but that's not the point.

When they stopped and our son asked why they were doing this, the bully said its because he's still friends with the other boy.  We are shocked that this happened.  Shocked that it turned physical.  And so, so angry.

We know the only thing to do is to intervene, but he begged and pleaded through tears that we don't, that he can handle it, that we've taught him resilience and he can take it!  Resilience.  This is what we teach our children.  How do we teach them not to be frightened of doing the right thing and reporting it, that it won't stop until he does?

We've tried our best to assure him that as soon as we bring all of this to the attention of the school and/or the child's parents it will stop.  He told us that we have to understand  if we report this he won't have a single friend as a result, and he doesn't want to risk that.

What do you do, break his trust, risk alienating him, have him withdraw and never open up to us again?  I hate this.  I hate seeing him so stressed at bedtimes, regular sleepless nights, frustration building at home until he explodes, his belief in himself and his decisions compromised.  None of this is ok, and we can't allow it to continue, but dealing with it is going to be one very delicate task.  

We've commended him on his extraordinary courage, told him how proud of him we are that his reason for not defending himself and fighting back is because he says two wrongs don't make a right.  What we also need him to understand is that sometimes it also takes great courage to be brave and to report an incident like this.  He went to bed, tears rolling onto his pillow as he ponders that..


15 comments:

  1. Oh God I feel sick reading this and totally understand how upset and angry you must be feeling, it's awful that your son has been physically hurt like this and nobody even witnessed it, I wish somebody else could see it and grass the child up who's causing this. Maybe you could talk to his teacher without naming names and get her to tell a general bullying story and its consequences, also I would be having a serious phonecall with the principal about their lack of supervision, the schoolyard should be a safe place for kids, there is no way any child should be lying on the ground being kicked and nobody even seeing it! The only advice I could suggest would be for your child to treat this kid with a scornful "whatever" attitude, drop him instantly as a friend and not let him know if his taunts upset him, hopefully the brat will get bored if he's not getting a reaction and move on, unfortunately it will be probably be to bullying another kid unless he's revealed as the bully he is. I don't even know you but wish I could give you and your little man a big hug, nothing enrages a mother more than a story of a son being bullied :-(

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    1. It's gutting. I'm not convinced it wasn't witnessed, we'll get to the bottom of that..

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  2. That's so sad, kids are just so mean. I hope he is ok and you are ok
    Xxxxxx

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  3. What a nightmare! It is fantastic that you have such a great relationship with your son, and I can understand your reluctance to go against his wishes with respect to reporting it. But perhaps it has reached the point where you have to do what you need to, as parents who want the hurt to stop and the bully to be brought to account for his appalling behaviour. It's a tough one, and the answer lies within your own heart.

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  4. Oh Mel. That is shocking. Your poor little man. Having been bullied at school myself, I have an inkling of what he might be feeling.

    But the lawyer in me says that the school has a clear duty of care to look after him. They've been derelict in their duty. It's negligence. They're just lucky he didn't break a limb or something.

    Please see the principal and report it. You may even want to consult a lawyer if you feel unsure about how to handle it. Your son has been assaulted whilst on the school's watch. This is serious, Mel. It might get worse. It has to be stopped now. Email me if you want, Sweetheart. Sending you a huge ♥ tonight. J x

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    1. Thanks Jane, it is serious I know. I still believe we have a great school, and a terrific principal. I know that as soon as he is made aware there will be appropriate action. Aggressive behaviour and bullying is not tolerated, but of course if they don't know, nothing can change. We do intend on informing him, we just want our son to be in aggreance, so he doesn't feel we've betrayed his trust. He's coming round..x

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  5. How awful and heartbreaking. I agree, you have to report it and take action in case it gets worse.

    It sounds like his biggest fear is loosing his friends, but real friends would never want their friend to get hurt.

    Wishing you all the best with dealing with this. xx

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  6. This is incredibly hard on you and an awful situation. The greatest thing you have with your children is trust. You have brought your son up to be brave and honourable. You must be very proud. He knows the situation on the ground and the consequences of having his parent involved. I'm not advocating this situation at all but your son is growing strength from it. There must be another way to deal with this. I will pray you find it and that your son and the other boy continue to be strong.

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  7. what a horrible awful situation. But how brave and special is your boy! it takes huge amounts of courage to do what he is doing.
    It is also a great reflection on his parents.
    I wish I could give you the "right" answer or some great advice, but well I don't have it, sorry. because it's the real rock and hard place scenario.
    love to you and him xo

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  8. What a heartbreaking situation. The more this goes on silently, the more the bully has the upper hand and unwittingly your son is playing his game. It will take enormous courage to speak out and overcome the fear of being friendless, but how does he know how many others are cowering in fear of the bully and waiting for someone to break the silence. It may not be a good idea to go to the bully's parents first but to discreetly make sure of who is to be told as it needs to be someone with the authority to stamp bullying behaviour out quickly,authoritatively but with sensitivity before there is more injury, mentally or physically.

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  9. Oh Mel this is just awful I feel for all of you, it is such a difficult situation to be in. I would be so very mad that this has happened, that this boy has become physical it's just not what should be happening. I often wonder what sort of home life a child has to resort to violence to get their way. I do hope that a resolution can be made soon to stop this sort of behaviour happening again Mel. Take care. xx

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  10. Oh yuck. I hope he is coming around to see that the school really needs to be told what's going on. I agree that you need to wait till he is ready too so that he continues to trust you and tell you things. It is soooo important that he has your support in this. Hope it resolves sooner rather than later. x

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  11. How awful, Mel! I've got tears for your boy and I hope you update us on how he's doing soon. He is so brave for wanting to sort this out himself, but sometimes it's even braver to risk getting other people involved. x

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  12. Oh Mel, this makes my heart so heavy.. I fear these scenarios when mine are at that age and I think you are handling it superbly, yes you may have to slowly push him to do something he is not sure about but I am the terrible Mum that would have gone storming back to the school with my blood boiling. My hat goes off to you well and truly x

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  13. Hi and thanks for such an honest post on a difficult topic. I am glad you have trust with your son but i am not sure that any child, no matter how well equipped can handle this sort of situation. What if it never stops? What if it gets worse? Long term stress in children can be quite profound. I feel adult intervention is a must, bullying is mostly about power and your silence gives them power. Silence is never OK when people are getting hurt emotinally or physically. Well done for your son and you as parents who have raised a son with morals and strong ethics.

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